A Migratory Fish

I feel like I'm migrating from warm tropical seas to the cold Arctic. And in so doing have left part of myself behind. The school I was swimming with bored me. So I looked elsewhere. When I saw the flash of color I dashed toward it. But I found that up close the colors aren't quite so bright.



So I returned to my former school to float in the loving comfort of familiarity. Being with him again made me want to breach and dive. For days I leapt over the waves. Singing whale song. Heart quivering with longing. Floating in the warmest of waters. Mind spinning.

But I continue to ask myself. Is this where I want to swim?
Should I set a course for the cold waters of the unknown? Will I find my true self there? Or will it make me just another cold fish moving from man to man?

I have no idea.

Dating loneliness

I really believed I'd feel less lonely with all of these meet and greet dates. I thought I'd start to get a glimpse of that connection I once had. But all I've found again and again are the cold depths of closed off people.

We fishalones guard ourselves in this scaly armor, thinking it will protect us from the hurts we know must be waiting down there, deeper in that ocean. We color them with department store makeup or thicken them with hairdresser jell. But we know it's all false. Each shining scale reflects a false light back into the eyes of our date.

He knows nothing of who we truly are. Nor does he care. His attention is in that one spot at the back of our tails. And no matter how wide we open our fish eyes or how many bubbles of sublime words escape our mouths he never notices.

Because the fish I date never see me. Only the scales I encase myself in.

And maybe I should keep it that way.

Internet Flirting

So I thought I could swim blind in these waters. Never glancing at any hooks. But the Internet is so easy. You just post a profile, download a picture, and there is all kinds of colorful bait. Guys with GQ bodies. Others who are so sensitive you're sure they'd understand your every emotion. And then there are the jet-setters. You just know you would look so hot hanging on their arm as you flew off to Hong Kong or Fiji together.

Every day you wait for the lines to be lowered. Your gills pant. Your fins wiggle. Your fingers dive for the keyboard. And you flirt. Winks. Hello theres. Nice to meet you's.

And for a while the waters warm. Until you press the escape button and look around at the empty lagoon that is your home.

He Wanted to See Me!

Break-ups are Hell. I thought leaving a relationship where he still didn't say I love you after six months would be freeing. Like a dolphin cut from a net. But I found myself trapped in a new one. This one was made of "if-only's. If only I'd been more fun. If only I'd not said that. Oh my God. If only I hadn't got pissed when he was late. If only..if only..if only. If only I were in his arms right now.

He texted me last night saying he wanted to take me to my favorite restaurant for dinner. I got it too late to go but for hours my net fell away. All night long I thought of him. Couldn't sleep. My mind raced. Maybe this time I'd go back and he'd see all the my beauty I have to offer. Maybe this time he'd stop comparing me to other women. Maybe this time he'd tell me I was the only one. Maybe this time he'd lean in close and tell me he loved me.

I texted him back saying, "raincheck." But then I thought about it. All those maybes were why I'd broken up with him in the first place. What the Hell was I thinking? He didn't love me. He never would. I couldn't put myself through that again. Steeling myself I sent a new text. "I can't go out with you anymore. It's too hard on my heart."

And found myself right back inside this net of regret. Thrashing to get out.

Plenty of Fish in the Sea

When I broke up with my boyfriend a week ago people kept telling me, "It's okay there are plenty of fish in the sea." So I spent the week fishing. And what did I find? They were right. There are many men out there. And every single one of them is right for me.

Not. What nobody tells you when you are suddenly thrown into the single world again is that most of the fish in the sea come in two categories: sharks and bottom feeders. And I've had enough of both.

So instead of snapping at the first wormed hook I see I'm going to be a swimming fish for a while. Sometimes I'll hide in kelp beds and avoid every other gilled creature out here. Others I'll duck into a cavern with others of my kind. If it's right I'll swim in the open sea.

Time for a new journey to begin.