Break-ups are Hell. I thought leaving a relationship where he still didn't say I love you after six months would be freeing. Like a dolphin cut from a net. But I found myself trapped in a new one. This one was made of "if-only's. If only I'd been more fun. If only I'd not said that. Oh my God. If only I hadn't got pissed when he was late. If only..if only..if only. If only I were in his arms right now.
He texted me last night saying he wanted to take me to my favorite restaurant for dinner. I got it too late to go but for hours my net fell away. All night long I thought of him. Couldn't sleep. My mind raced. Maybe this time I'd go back and he'd see all the my beauty I have to offer. Maybe this time he'd stop comparing me to other women. Maybe this time he'd tell me I was the only one. Maybe this time he'd lean in close and tell me he loved me.
I texted him back saying, "raincheck." But then I thought about it. All those maybes were why I'd broken up with him in the first place. What the Hell was I thinking? He didn't love me. He never would. I couldn't put myself through that again. Steeling myself I sent a new text. "I can't go out with you anymore. It's too hard on my heart."
And found myself right back inside this net of regret. Thrashing to get out.
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ReplyDeleteYour metaphors are astounding. If writing is therapy, then reading must be too (at least reading your writing is).
ReplyDeleteI am in a single-but-not-yet situation, broken up but still dwelling together. It is awkward. I am not ready to look elsewhere and am contented to be alone (emotionally speaking). However, I find myself looking anyway, which is weird of me to do.
If I start dating again, I will remain cavalier. It is wonderful to surround myself with caring, loving, sensitive people, and to stay very busy.
This blog is wonderful, though I understand it has built into it some pain. I do empathize, as I have suffered, so it is not a stretch to feel it, too.
My long-time friend, I love you.
Write more, as I relish in your words and the spirit that comes through them.
Thank you mmmmusic. One of my goals here is to to help people support each other in the loneliness. I know just hearing from you made today a little warmer.
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